Forgetting Memories...

I don’t know why I cry or why I feel sad for somebody who threw me away so easily. When on the one hand I have somebody whose every breath has me in it, there’s another who doesn’t even care about me. Perhaps it is the human heart which runs after the ones that throw us away. Is abandoning somebody so easy? What do you do to the memories? How do you make a bonfire of all your feelings and emotions? That’s where the hardest part lies. Forgetting.

Faith, hope, light, brightness. All these seem like empty, hollow words to me. Lacunae which somehow can never be filled. What then is the remedy for this? All these unhappiness, darkness seem like a canker which is slowly consuming me up from within. The storm just doesn’t seem to pass. Every time I try to pick myself up and build my life again, there’s some uncanny hand that shatters me down and tramples over me like dust.

What is love then - just a self-indulgent masochistic wish-fulfilling illusion for souls which have lost their direction? Things are complicated. So is life. Separating one feeling from another seems like a herculean task. Perhaps they are not to be separated. I don’t blame him for whatever he has done with his life. Perhaps he will realise, perhaps he will not. I really wouldn’t wait to see the trajectory of his life. But the thing that cuts me across is the fact that he loved me. That he made me feel like I was the happiest person on the earth. May be it was all my foolishness that I trusted him, but I was happy in that ignorance. Knowledge shattered me. So much so that I don’t think I can ever get up again and walk away from my past.

People have asked me to let go of the anger, to forgive him. How do we forget? I don’t know about others, but I was so happy with him, so happy at being treated like a princess that I made it a point to store every moment spent with him in painstaking detail within my memory. He never seemed to notice. Perhaps all those appeared funny to him. Or childish perhaps. But it was my reality. It was the present where I wanted to dissolve my past and get rid of my earlier self. I wanted to become someone else in his arms.

But somehow, the arms which once embraced me, the hands that once held mine in them with the vow of protecting me forever, turned and hit me hard. I was bruised. From within and without. Gradually, the marks on my face, where he hit me, vanished. But what about the places where he had kissed me numerous times? Making me feel like I was the happiest person on the earth? Will time ever be able to heal them, can ointments erase their existence?

He moved on. He went and explored other terrains, uncharted areas which perhaps were lying for him to discover. And I lay there abandoned. Scared of my own shadow and running away from my past. But it always catches up, no matter how fast I run. I am still running, trying to escape my past, escape the person that I was. I know that I’m lost. I can’t find happiness in laughter. I shirk from people, from smiling faces, from sounds. There’s a silence deep within my soul. It has engulfed me completely. I know I’ll find happiness in oblivion. But my memories never leave me alone. Through all thick and thin, they always make me remember each detail about him, about me, about us. Welcome to my life.